Thursday, January 11, 2007

2 sandwiches short of a picnic

The following phrases are ones that I find both funny and completely applicable to me for many events of my life: (Don't worry- I'm not just putting myself down, I have stories to back this up)

Two rungs short of a ladder.
Three french fries short of a happy meal
One brick shy of a load.
One pepperoni short of a personal pan.
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few beers short of a six-pack.
Dumber than a box of hair.
A few peas short of a casserole.

One Fruit Loop shy of a full bowl.
One taco short of a combination plate.
A few feathers short of a whole duck.
The porch light's on, but nobody's home.
All foam, no beer.

Here are 2 stories that demonstrate my talent for living up to the above statements:

1.) When I was a Junior in High School, I was a bit of a non-conformist. Especially when it came time for the Junior/Senior Prom. This is normally a rite of passage for many a teenage girl, however, I saw it as more of a...costume party. Therefore, I decided to ask a girl to prom (growing up in small town Grand Ledge, this was a big no-no. The whole town was founded on biggotry and hatred for anything that wasn't white, male, and straight. Maybe that's going a bit too far, but that was how it felt, anyway.) So, I asked friend Amy Hayes, and she, viewing prom in the same way as I, happily aggreed.

As the date approached, the thought that some boy would actually ASK me to the prom never even occurred to me. So, when said boy did call, I was flabbergasted. First, I didn't know what to say. My entire teen life had been spent learning that you aren't really a girl unless you're paired off with some random boy, whether you really like him or not. To be boyfriendless was akin to telling the high school world that you were incapable of attracting the opposite sex. So, on the one hand, I felt like I needed to take this rare (for me) opportunity to show that, yes, I too can attract the male species! So, I said yes. We said our goodbyes. Immediately after hearing the click of the phone, I felt TERRIBLE! I didn't want to go to the prom with this guy! He was nice enough, but the thought of going with Amy and making fun of the whole experience just seemed more fun! What could I do?!!!

I could have let it be. I'm sure he was the type of guy who might have been in to making fun of prom too. Do high school boys really enjoy prom?! Isn't it the "after" prom that even motivates guys to get dressed in horrible tuxes anyway? So, it would have been fine to go with a boy. I would have seen Amy there. We would have danced like freaks. I could still wear the outfit I had planned to wear (orange/lime green flowered vintage dress from the 60s with beehive harido, orange Lee press-on nails, lime green shoes, and tights to cover up my hairy legs- I didn't shave back then. Too conformist.). And it wasn't like it was a commitment to marriage or anything!

I could have gone with him, but no. I called him back. I said, "I don't think you want to go to prom with me because I'm wearing an
orange/lime green flowered vintage dress from the 60s with beehive harido, orange Lee press-on nails, lime green shoes, and tights to cover up my hairy legs." A pause occured on the other line. I might have said some other things about myself to make me sound very unappealing as well, but I don't remember what exactly. Eventually, he said, ok, and that was that. I didn't have to go to prom with him. He never looked at me quite the same after that. I, on the other hand, couldn't decide which would have felt worse: Hurting his feelings by ultimately changing my mind or going with him to the Prom? I guess I'll never know. The good news is that Prom that year was a total blast. I never had so much fun dancing to Bob Seger songs and "You Shook Me All Night Long" by ACDC in my life. In 1994, we didn't have modern, 90s era music in Grand Ledge. Too non-comformist.

2.) Before going to Mexico, Scott and I spent the night at Amanda and Joel's. Going to their house to spend time is like one big party, no matter what occassion. There is usually a lot of drinking (not for me this time), smoking (for Scott and Amanda only), and listening to good music. My sister had just finished exclaiming how proud of herself she had been for not smoking for the past 3 weeks (she's been an on again, off again smoker for most of her adult life; more on than off, however). However, she recently picked it back up because she had had a particularly bad week. Somehow, she had managed to keep her smoking "habit" a secret from my father for this entire time. My mom knew only because my mom still smokes, and she and my sister have shared cigarettes while on the Island. My father used to smoke, but after watching his own mother die of Lung Cancer (because she smoked), he was finally scared into breaking his own addiction. Ever since, he has been on a mission to guilt my mother into quitting her 6 ciggies per day. His tactics so far have remained ineffective.

Because we were getting ready to go on this trip with my parents, I should have known that they would call. My father, especially, had been concerned that we have our passports, boarding passes, and quart-sized zip-lock baggies with liquids no bigger than 3 oz. (I swear, the next step in airport safety is going to be stripping completely naked. Sheesh!) My dad, of course, asked if we were ready, and I said, "Absolutely." Then he asked to speak to my sister.

I could have said a lot of things here. For example, "she's in the bathroom" was something that came to me afterwards. "Just a minute, let me go get her" was another thing I could have said. You see, at that moment, my sister was outside having a smoke with Scott. Here's what I did say: "She can't come to the phone right now." My father followed with: "Why not? Where is she?" To which I sheepishly responded: "Outside." At this time of year, in Michigan, why do people go outside?! It's NOT to pick the strawberries! He instantly gasped and said "is she smoking?!" I didn't respond to this because I didn't need to. He was, needless to say, pissed. He got off the phone in a huff, and I had to tell my sister what I had done. It had been a horrible week for my poor sis, and this was only going to make things worse for her. While my dad thought it was the end of all things for my sister to be smoking, my mother thought it was hilarious. As a result, my mom and sister smoked together...making me wonder if there could be a saying like "a family that smokes together, stays together?!" I guess not.

Anyway, I call these scenarios Tess-isms. I have come to realize that these split-second moments of stupidity are one of the things, other than Scott, that bring color into my life. And I also realize that whenever I hear a phrase like "she's 2 sandwiches short of a picnic," I can take comfort in knowing that I own that statement. I have earned it, and I will probably keep earning it. And when those moments happen, I know that everything, in the end, will turn out just fine.

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Animal said...

Great post! And, let's not forget, I not only bring color into your life...

I bring farts.

kat said...

How could we forget the farts?!?

L*I*S*A said...

OMG. Scott, I read your comment at work last night, and I laughed so hard I started crying. All my coworkers who didn't think I was certifiable at that point, did last night. ;)

Ah, yes, in each life a few farts must fall.

Strangela said...

I might be a sandwhich short of a picnic too, I rememeber the story about the prom but for the life of me can't remember which guy asked you out.....who was it?

Tess said...

Adam Alspaugh. I think that's how you spell his name. The upside of it all is that he went to that Prom with Erin Wacyk. They danced and kissed. She certainly lived up to her nickname of "Kissy." But that's another story...

sdb said...

If it makes a difference, when I asked, kat couldn't remember who you almost went to prom with either....